My Own Prison
by blackwidow10
Summary: What did Sirius think about during all those years in Azkaban? Who does he miss the most? He had plenty of time to wonder... a bit of SR slash in there, but not much


My Own Prison

By: blackwidow10

A/N: So, I took a break from slash for this one. shock gasp There is a bit of slashy-goodness in here though (cause I just can't seem to write a story without it anymore /) And for any readers of Passionate Fire : There'll be another chappie up when I can actually think of something to write. All the little plot bunnies for that one are hiding somewhere...

_A court is in session_

_A verdict is in_

_No appeal on the docket today_

_Just my own sin_

"Azkaban." The word was uttered quietly, dangerously, yet so loud in the ears of an accused murderer.

Sirius Black hadn't expected any better of a sentence for his supposed killings. In fact, he would have been surprised if they hadn't sent him to the wizard prison for his…er…"crimes."

He wasn't guilty. He knew that. He'd barely had his wand drawn before Pettigrew had blasted the street apart. 'That little rat…' Sirius clenched his fists and tried to keep his anger in check. 'I can't believe I was so stupid…'

The only crime Sirius had committed was thinking he could trust Peter Pettigrew.

Two Dementors glided in to the dark room, grabbing him by his arms with their cold, clammy hands. Sirius shivered. His teeth chattered as the two evil creatures led him into the main prison. He could feel any happiness he had had left seeping away through their fingers. So cold…

º º º º º º º º º º

'That bloke across the way has been screaming for hours.' Sirius leaned against one of the cold stone walls of his cell, listening to the pathetic moans and whimpers, the anguished yells surrounding him. He had long since figured out that the only way for him to stay sane in this vile place was to keep remembering that he was innocent. 'Not that it does me much good with bars in front of me and Dementors outside my door.'

_The walls are cold and pale_

_The cage made of steel_

_Screams fill the room_

_Alone I drop and kneel_

'He's finally stopped.' Sirius wondered what happens the screaming stops. 'Maybe he's…he's…dead.' This seemed the only logical explanation. For the man to finally have stopped, after Sirius hearing those awful sounds for some days now, (he'd lost track of the time by now)…something drastic must have happened.

_Silence now the sound_

_My breath the only motion around_

_Demons cluttering around_

_My face showing no emotion_

'They seem to like me.' Sirius mused to himself as he watched yet another Dementor pause before his cell door while passing by. Of course, Sirius had many happy memories that the Dark creatures would love to steal from him. His first day at Hogwarts, his first ride on a broom, his first kiss…his friends…'Don't.'

Sirius refused to think about them yet. His true friends, that is. Wormtail would pay for his betrayal, Padfoot would make sure of that.

_Shackled by my sentence_

_Expecting no return_

_Here there is no penance_

_My skin begins to burn_

Sirius laughed at the irony of the situation. He grinned at his own stupidity for trusting a boy with a rat for an Animagus. Then he started to think he may be going just a little bit crazy in this place that could definitely use a fireplace or two…or better yet, just the fire.

In a way, he was partially to blame for being where he was now. He should have known something like this would happen. He should have just known that something so wrong would happen, when everything had been going so right. Like when you get caught after a prank. Sure, you get to laugh, but then it was off to detention.

The thought made him smile.

And in that fleeting moment before one of the Dementors sucked yet another of his happy memories away, he remembered a particularly nasty prank on Snape, which had eventually left the slimy Slytherin in a hot pink, polka-dot dress.

And he quickly blocked that faces of his friends from his mind before they could invade, and make him think about them.

_I hear a thunder in the distance_

_See a vision of a cross_

_I feel the pain that was given_

_On that sad day of loss_

It was too late, however. They had slipped up from the depths of his memories, making their smiling faces known even in the darkness that was slowly becoming Sirius's mind.

The memories flashed into his mind. The conspicuous emptiness of Peter's place, the horrible feeling of dread that had settled over him, the vision of the Dark Mark floating above a demolished house in Godric's Hollow. The scenes were still so fresh in his mind. He could still smell the burning wood, hear the screams as little baby Harry cried…see the unmoving bodies of James and Lily…

Sirius felt a stray tear slide down his cheek, but he quickly brushed it away. He would not cry for them. They wouldn't have wanted him to. Then again, they also wouldn't have wanted to go chasing after Peter…at least not without them at his side.

_A lion roars in the darkness_

_Only he holds the key_

_A light to save me from my burden_

_And grant me life eternally_

If Hagrid had let him take Harry, he wouldn't be sitting here right now, fighting chills that had nothing to do with the weather outside. He would have taken the little child away from there, to live with him, and had someone else take care of Peter…or help him to do it.

He knew what has godson would do. He knew that the closest thing to a child of his own that he would ever have, that tiny green-eyed baby, would save the world, both wizard and Muggle. He had the power of his parents behind him, plus whatever Dumbledore would be able to teach him when he finally reached Hogwarts.

His godson would be a hero.

_Should have been dead_

_On a Sunday morning_

_Banging my head_

_No time for mourning_

_Ain't got no more time_

He finally pulled his thoughts away from James, Lily, and Harry, hoping to get rest from what it took to remember his friends. It was painful to think of them and not be able to see them, to touch them, to laugh with them again.

But he wasn't so lucky.

It was the young, smiling eyes of Remus Lupin that were invading his thoughts now. Tired, as always, but still smiling at him. He gave up, allowing his Moony to hold his attention for as long as he wanted to.

The feel of Remus's skin hadn't yet left his fingertips, and he still held the scent of his lover in his nose, an interesting mixture of soap and spices, and something a bit more…rugged, no doubt from his being a werewolf.

He let himself remember what it was like to kiss Remus, to slide his tongue into the werewolf's warm mouth, and to cuddle up to him at night in the dorm rooms. 'Moony…'

Sirius sighed. It was possibly even more painful to have to think about Remus then about James and Lily, when he was slowly forgetting what it was like to hold Remus in his arms night after night. It was too much for him, so he forced his mind blank, leaving nothing behind but that one thought of 'I'm innocent.'

_I've created my own prison_

Sirius made a promise to himself that night, day, whenever it was. But at that moment he vowed to focus as little on the past and his friends as possible. It would be hard, of course, but he had to do it. He had to do it for himself, for Remus, and for little baby Harry, because he needed to work on how to get out of here. He would do it. He would be the first to escape from the wizard prison Azkaban.

_I've created my own prison_


End file.
